I am an incredibly flawed human being. I am needy and always expecting of too much. At times I am selfish and only looking out for myself. I am high-strung and easily aggravated. I have poor to non-existent time management skills nor do I seem to have any grasp on the concept of saving money. I worry too much about how people view me, or perhaps how I assume they view me, and nit-pick on the little things about myself that no one else seems to notice. I am clingy and am always looking out for indications of you missing me, still caring for me, and needing me because my insecurities take over whenever I start feeling ignored. Please, please, please don’t make me feel ignored. On top of it all, I am scared of good things happening to me as I feel like I’m not deserving. Deserving of being with good people, deserving of being happy in a relationship, deserving of everything else good that I might encounter. I wish I can enter people’s lives with them already knowing these things about me. That way I completely eliminate the chance of being a disappointment. I dont expect a lot from myself because it’s easier when others don’t expect a lot from me.
Jacob asks to hear some of her writing. “You’re not allowed to laugh,” Anna says. Jacob promises that he won’t. “I haven’t read it out loud yet,” she hesitates to continue, “… so you’ll be the first person.”
I thought I understood it. That I could grasp it.
But I didn’t. Not really.I knew the smudgeness of it.
The pink-slippered-all-containered-semi-precious eagerness of it.
I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole.
The wholeness was a rather luxurious idea.
Because its the halves that halve you in half.
Didn’t know. Don’t know about the in between bits.
The gore-y bits of you. And gore-y bits of me.
I loved this poem from the movie. Also, the train scene with the riding together/riding back alone transition and the shower scene just about killed me. I’ve been wanting to see this film. Without revealing too much, I really did feel for Anna. I feel as though she was in deeper. She was the only one trying. Have you seen the movie? How did you feel about it and what do you think about the ending?
It is almost 2 AM. I just got home from a really long daaay + night work shift. I have to wake up in six hours for a shoot for Sanuk Shoes (not to mention the fact that I have to be alive and attentive for a work shift afterward). And My neighbor is blasting music in their bathroom while taking a shower. But it;s okay cause He’s a gummy bear. Yes he’s a gummy bear. A yummy yummy gummy bear. Hahaha!
I understand why one shouldn’t be so hung up on regrets but I also believe that one should acknowledge them in order to learn. Am I happy with the life I’ve lived so far? Yes, I really am. I especially am happy with where I am right now. I only start to regret things when I start comparing what I’ve accomplished to what others my age have already attained. Comparing never really did do me any good so I’ve got to learn to stop doing that. I have a lot to learn still and even more to improve on but I’ve got a lot of things going for me, too. I’ve got to believe that because others have and will tell me otherwise. I’m on my own road, my own path, and I’m trucking along at my own speed just fine.
